번아웃(Burnout) 증후군. ‘에너지를 소진한다’는 뜻으로, 한 가지 일에 몰두하던 사람이 극도의 피로감으로 인해 무기력증, 심한 불안감, 자기혐오 등에 빠지는 것을 말한다.
이 증상이 요즘 김하은(충북당구연맹)을 덮쳐 괴롭혔다. 그 때문일까. 최근 남들은 평생 근처에 다다르기도 힘들다는 ‘세계톱’(세계여자3쿠션랭킹 1위)을 찍고도 김하은의 소감은 “솔직히 덤덤하다”였다.
수화기 너머 들려온 그의 목소리 톤은 감정이 배제된 듯 담백하다 못해 차가웠다. 혹시나 멘탈 이슈가 지속되고 있는 건 아닌지 우려됐다.
며칠 전 김하은은 강원도 양구에서 국내(국토정중앙배) 국제(아시아캐롬선수권) 대회를 석권했다. 아시아캐롬선수권 우승 직후엔 눈물을 펑펑 흘렸다. 무려 10분 가까이.
관련한 그의 얘기로 추측컨 데, 당시 ‘눈물’의 의미는 벅찬 기쁨보다는 쳇바퀴처럼 돌아가던 삶에 대한 회의 등으로 마음고생 해온 자신을 향한 위로에 더 가까웠다.
올해로 전문선수 데뷔 10년차, 만 19세의 인생에서 절반 이상을 당구와 함께 살아온 김하은이다.
줄곧 ‘왕관’을 품으려 뜀박질 해온 그는 “정신적으로 좀 힘들었다”면서 “당구가 재미없어졌고, 그래도 (당구는)해야 하는 일”이란 생각에 쌓인 채 양구 대회에 임했다고 했다.
팽팽했던 긴장의 끈이 탄성을 잃어버리자, 온갖 부정적인 감정들이 휘몰아치는 심리상태. 즉, 번아웃 증상은 매게임 승부와 시즌 성적에 목 맬 수밖에 없는 스포츠 선수들에게서 종종 발견된다.
한국에서는 어린 나이에 데뷔해 극심한 경쟁과 스트레스에 지속 노출돼야 하는 여자 프로 골퍼들에게서 만연하다고 알려졌다. 이런 멘탈 이슈로 인해 스포츠와 심리학이 공존하며 해결법을 제시해주곤 한다.
김하은의 경우는 멘탈 문제에 관한 해결법을 스스로 찾아내 적용 중이었다.
“제 당구의 모든 초점을 ‘나는 지금 (게임을)즐기고 있는가? 행복한가?’에 맞추려고 해요.” 이렇게 말한 뒤 그는 ‘세계톱’ 타이틀마저도 그의 ‘즐거움과 행복’보다 우선일 수 없다고 했다.
초반의 소감 때와 비슷한 덤덤한 말투였지만, 이번엔 강한 의지의 에너지가 느껴졌다. 또한 대화 초반 필자의 우려는 기우인 듯 했다. 게다가 이런 그의 의지를 아버지와 선생님(김동룡 선수)도 동감하며 지지해준다고.
이어 최근 며칠간의 근황을 묻자 “대회 없을 때도 쉬지 않던 과거와 달리 쉴 때는 푹 쉬려고 한다”고 전했다. 그리고는 “당구는 아예 쳐다보지도 않고 있다”면서 인터뷰 중 처음으로 반가운 웃음 소리를 들려줬다.
필자의 기억이 지난 2017년으로 되감기 됐다. 2년간 당구를 배운 13살 김하은이 전국대회 성인부에 데뷔하던 해다. 그후 장족의 발전을 거듭한 그는 어느덧 대한민국 아마추어 여자 3쿠션계를 대표하는 선수로 성장하더니, 세계 꼭대기에 우뚝 섰다. 불과 만 19세에 여자 3쿠션 선수로서 해볼 건 거의 다 해본 셈이다.
딱 하나 남은 목표는 세계선수권 챔피언 타이틀일 터. 그 행보를 ‘전 세계1위’ 테레사 클롬펜하우어(네덜란드) 또한 “기대한다”고 최근 본지에 전해왔다.
이에 김하은은 “궁극적인 목표가 그것(세계선수권 우승)은 맞긴 하다. 그러나 그것은 결과일 뿐, 거기까지 가는 과정에서 ‘내가 행복하자’는 것이 지금의 제 생각”이라고 힘줘 말했다.
이렇게 김하은은 인터뷰 말미에도 자신의 당구 ‘행복론’을 펼쳤다. 심한 번아웃 후 찾아낸 그의 지론을 향한 확고한 믿음이 느껴졌다. 그 믿음이 실현돼 그의 앞길을 든든하게 지탱해주길 기대해 본다.
[이상연 기자/큐스포츠뉴스 취재부장]
기사제보=sunbisa4@naver.com
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